


June: See a friend

by Sandbirde



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:53:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23636353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandbirde/pseuds/Sandbirde
Summary: June and Roxy have a coffee date.My piece for the June Zine!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	June: See a friend

**Author's Note:**

> Download the zine for free here! https://romancemancer.itch.io/junezine
> 
> I deliberately titled this in the typical Homestuck format as a callback to one of the John pieces I wrote last year, but that's as far as any connections go. Still, I do think it's neat to go from a John piece generally centered around grief, loss, and finding your footing in life again, to a June piece centered around a very present moment of uncertainty and affirmation, and a focus on moving forward. Blah blah narrative something or other.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

"Junie B. Jones!"

You freeze in the doorway for a second as every head in the shop turns to see where the yell came from. He waves a frantic arm, his seat tipping backwards from the effort as his drink threatens to splash everywhere. You sigh inwardly. With a flick of your finger, the back of his chair is saved from a spine-bruising introduction to the ground. You make your way across the shop, ignoring the usual barrage of looks and whispers in favor of his Cheshire grin.

"You know I hate when you call me that."

The grin grows wider, somehow. "No, you don't."

This time, your sigh pushes outward in a show of melodrama. "Well, hello, anyways."

"Hello! How are you today, madame?"

Your mouth twists. Damn him and his irresistibly contagious smiles. "I'm okay. Better, now that I'm here."

The corners of Roxy's mouth finally relax a bit, and you feel your shoulders release with them. He tilts his head, reminiscent of a cat as always. You can almost see his ears twitching. "So, genuinely okay, or "I don't wanna talk about it" okay?"

You give up, breaking into a toothy smile. "Genuinely okay, for once. I promise."

Roxy sips his drink, squinting at you slightly. "Glad to hear it."

"How about you? Getting along okay?"

Roxy sets the cup down. His smile fades to one side of his mouth. You haven't seen that in a while. It makes everything feel lopsided.

"Yeah. Just wandering around like always. You know how it is."

You do know how it is. You still worry, but there's no point saying it. You trust him to tell you if he needs anything. He knows how it is, too.

Roxy stares at you for a few seconds, thinking. He points at the counter. "You gonna get something?"

You blink. "Oh, right. Yeah, I will." You push your chair out and stand back up. "You want anything else while I'm up there?"

Roxy gestures to the half-finished coffee. "Nah, I'm good with this."

"Okay. Be back in a minute, then."

"I'll be here." He winks, his smile returning full force. You hope a warm drink will quell the fluttering in your stomach.

You reach the counter in a breath (what else is new). Despite your speed, the cashier sneaks in a whisper to their coworker, something you don't catch. The coworker giggles behind their hand before scurrying off, and it's just you and the cashier. They smile a touch too widely, just like Roxy, but this time it does something uncomfortable to your stomach.

"Hi there, miss! What'll it be today?"

Why do staffpeople always pretend to not know who you are? Do they think it's polite? It honestly just aggravates you when they dance around your identity like it's a dirty word. You suppose you can't just  _ say  _ things like that, though, so you keep quiet. Right now, you're busy pondering the menu, anyways.

That is, until you see the cashier out of the corner of your eye. They're staring - no,  _ glaring  _ at you. Jeez, who shit in their breakfast?

"Sorry, can I help you?"

You wince. You didn't mean for that to come out so pissy. Still, the daggers in their eyes are weird and, as far as you know, uncalled for.

Their reply has a hint of the same venom, cascading down their sentence and dripping off the last word. "No problem here. Just admiring how beautiful you are today,  _ ma'am _ ."

You bite the inside of your lower lip. Okay, better to just let this go. You don't really want to confirm that you know what's going on here. It's not worth it - not with this person, not right now.

You force a smile, not caring that it's probably obvious. "Well, thank you. I'll just take a black milk tea, please."

"Yes,  _ ma'am _ ." The cashier taps the display on the counter a few times (this society advanced technologically just a touch faster than yours, and the little differences never cease to fascinate you). Their tone is tight and slightly squeaky with performative brightness. "Anything else?"

"No, thank you." Your tone is still more curt than you'd like. Ugh. Deep breaths, Egbert. You're done being angry. Don't let this ruin it.

"Alright, that will be 8 credits,  _ ma'am _ ."

"Tch." You literally bite your tongue, trying to keep your teeth from grinding. Their words feel like a grater to your spine. On top of that, inflation's apparently a bitch no matter what universe you're in. You count out the change and hold it out stiffly, dropping it into their open palm. You inwardly congratulate yourself on not throwing it on the counter instead.

The cashier grins again, shit-eating and all too proud. "Thank you,  _ ma'am _ !" They exclaim it loud enough to turn heads. "Your drink will be out shortly."

You're absolutely burning, but you nod, dead silent, and move to the other end of the counter. You clench your fists, swiveling your foot impatiently. You need to get back to Roxy. You need to get away from this. You need to burst through the door screaming, leaving shards of glass and metal in your wake, flying until you can't anymore. You need  _ out _ .

But you stand, and you wait.

"Order 412?"

You don't say anything, just walk up, grab your drink, nod again, and turn away. You're not sure if you hear them snickering behind you or blood rushing past your ears, and you don't want to dwell on it. You walk quickly back to the table, hoping your usual airy drifting will cover your speed. It still feels like time itself is fighting against you reaching your seat, but you do soon enough.

Of course, nothing slips by Roxy. The moment your butt hits the chair, he speaks. "Okay, what happened?"

You scoot your chair in, squirming around under the pretense of getting comfortable. "Nothing. What would have happened up there? They spit in my drink and tell me to fuck off?" You try to laugh, but you can't find the air for it, and it comes out somewhere between a cough and a sigh. You sip your tea. It's bitter.

Roxy is unfazed. "Yes. That, or any number of other things to make you skitter across the floor like a rabbit running for its life."

You take another sip. Roxy frowns.

You sigh again - no complication, just a sigh - and set your drink down. "Fine, okay. It's just...ugh. They're being, like. You know." You wave your hand like the air will spell it out for you. When it doesn't, you grunt, leaning your elbows on the table.

Roxy lifts his eyebrows slightly. "No, June, I don't know. That's why I asked you. See, I thought we were having a conversation here."

"Yes, Roxy, I know how conversation works." The reply flies out before you can stop it, fast and sharp with misdirection.

Roxy's eyebrows shoot as high as they can go. He picks up his coffee and takes a long swig.

You groan, dropping your face into your hands. Damn it. Why is it so hard to control yourself lately? You really  _ are  _ acting like a threatened animal. You try again, with a tone more befitting the friend that has held your hand through all of this.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm suddenly on edge. I was fine when I came in."

"Right." Roxy set his cup back down, fiddling with the straw. "I'll forgive the shit attitude, but you know exactly why you're on edge. You've only been here for 10 minutes, June."

You lay one arm on the table, tilting your head into your other hand. Yeah, you do know, but you hate letting this shit ruin your day. "It…" You sit up, laying your other arm on the table. You really don't want to talk about this, but it's Roxy. Roxy knows. Roxy understands.

You huff. "Okay. I went up to the counter, and the cashier was very nice, and they took my order correctly, and I got my drink without any problem, and then I came back and sat down. I have literally no reason to be upset."

"June." Roxy's tone has no patience for your self-flagellation. "What did they say to you?"

"Well, it's...stupid."

" _ What did they say? _ "

Okay, there's no squirming your way out of this. You chew your lip for a moment, resolving yourself, then open your mouth.

"They were whispering to each other before I got up there, whispering and laughing. I didn't hear what they said, but the cashier was like...glaring at me? For no reason? And when I asked them why, they said they were just admiring how beautiful I was, which was really fucking weird. And they kept calling me ma'am after every sentence, but in this super passive aggressive way, and I just still don't know what the fuck I did to deserve all of that or what the fuck they're laughing at but it was just so fucking  _ mean _ and I - "

Your voice cracks, and the pause it gives you causes you to realize how loud you'd suddenly gotten. A handful of heads turn away quickly as they see you looking. The staff behind the counter don't seem to have noticed, or maybe they're just pretending, or maybe they just don't care. All you know is that you are so, so tired of being angry over people that will never give you the dignity of acknowledging it.

Your hands move to your face, squishing your cheeks in frustration before sliding upward into your hair. You lean your forehead into your palms, willing the tears away from your eyes.

Roxy sets her chin on her hand. "You know who you're talking to, here, right?"

You cough-laugh, lifting your head. "Yeah. Yeah, I know."

Roxy smiles. "It's ridiculous how intrusive people are. You do something they don't like or don't understand, and suddenly they think they need to run your life for you. Like it's any of their fucking business." He laughs darkly, looking down at the table as he rubs his fingers over it mindlessly. "Like we're ever going to wake up one day like, "Wow, it turns out I'm cis after all! You were completely justified in being unspeakably awful to me this entire time! I've seen the light!""

"Right?!" You blush. You're yelling again. You grow quiet for a moment, pursing your lips, still fighting your watery eyes. Your next words are soft enough that Roxy has to lean in to hear them. "I just want one day, yknow? Just one day. I just want to...be. Just exist. I used to know how to do that, but now...now everything's different. I'm different. It's so complicated just to be alive, to walk and talk." You pause to collect you thoughts, then speak a little louder, a little more slowly.

"It's like I'm on a tightrope, and it's millions of miles up, so the air is too thin to breathe. It's almost unbearable, but if I faint or fall off, I'll die. And everyone else is down on the ground, with bridges and roads, and they can't understand why I'm making things so difficult for myself, why I can't just live the same way they do. They don't understand that despite everything, up there is the only place that I can be myself. They don't understand that if I stay on the ground, I - " You stare at the table, your mind spinning with vertigo. Suddenly you can't speak above a whisper. "I might as well be dead anyways."

Roxy is silent for a moment. Then, he sighs, tapping his fingers in front of him as if they'll spell out the answers in Morse code. After a minute, he seems to find the words he wants without his fingers' assistance. Still, he speaks delicately, wrapping his words in blankets before setting them softly on the table.

"You would never be better off dead. Not for yourself, not for anyone else. Not for any reason at all." He reaches across the table, grasping your hands softly and rubbing his fingers over yours. "That being said, this isn't something to be fixed or changed or settled, somehow. It's not something that other people, even other trans people, can give you the magic secret to living with.

"It's just...something. A fact. An undeniable fact. You can't hide it. You can't make it easier or less important. You can't ignore it until it goes away. And even when you think you're doing everything right, even when you're dressing and talking and acting like it's okay, like you're not afraid, you love yourself, you know who you are...it's still there. It's always gonna be there. Sometimes you can live with it. Sometimes you can't get out of bed." He smiles wryly. "And sometimes you're not even thinking about it until some dumbass points it out."

His smile fades again, and he pauses, a pit stop while you finish processing what he's said. His words feel like worry stones in your gut - heavy, out of place, but...smooth, and oddly comforting. He's right. He can't make everything better, but he  _ gets it _ , and that means more than you can articulate. He takes a deep breath, grabbing your attention back.

"Sorry, I know it sounds kinda hopeless like that, but it's not. I promise you, it's, like, the total opposite. You know how they say the truth will set you free? It won't happen overnight, but...this isn't something you can ever really regret. You might think you do sometimes, but you don't. It's just a big, scary change, and nobody likes being in the middle of that, even if it's for the best."

He squeezes your hands, then lets them go in favor of striking a pose.

"And, of course, you have me! I don't mind being Roxy Lalonde, resident gender expert." He scratches his chin. "Although, despite the physical differences, I still think Kanaya would be better equipped to help you with the trans-girl-specific stuff."

You sigh. He isn't wrong, but…

He takes the hint before you even finish thinking it. "Hey, you don't have to do anything you're not ready for. You know that. It's okay." He smiles reassuringly, and you feel the warmth in your chest. "I don't mind if you need to keep leaning on me for a while. It's a lot to deal with when you first start out." He then shoots finger guns and a wink at you. "I got you!" He proclaims it loud and proud, and it makes you giggle. You're surprised by how feminine your laugh sounds, and the warmth in your chest grows.

He grins triumphantly. "There ya go! That's what I like to hear!"

Something inside you breaks loose, rattling around and tickling your insides, and you bust out into full laughter. Roxy quickly follows suit, leaning back, chest shaking, the whole works. The shop patrons are definitely all staring at you now, but what do you care? You're June fucking Egbert. Nobody can tell you you're wrong for that.

They can, however, tell you off for making a ruckus in a coffee shop, and an employee rushes over to do just that - not the one that has it out for you for existing. No, that one just hangs back at the counter and leers as their coworker politely asks you to leave.

Roxy catches his breath first, but his smile splits his face unnervingly as he turns to the worker. It's funny how the same expression that exudes happiness to you can be finely tuned to make this person quake in their boots. He speaks slightly too loudly, and the worker seems to shrink before him. "Honey, you're never gonna see our gorgeous faces again. You think the gods of your universe don't have better places to be than some dingy little shop where the staff have no respect for anyone different from them?"

He sneers. This is a side you're not sure you've seen of him, and it even scares you a little. He continues, biting off every word as if he's eviscerating prey. "Honestly, we're extremely disappointed. This isn't the society we thought we created. I hope y'all learn better. It would be a damn shame to see the world go on this way." He shoots up, throwing his chair back and making the worker jump. He then takes your hand, pulls you out of your chair and leads you out of the shop, slamming through the door.

When you're outside, he pulls you into a tight hug. "Sorry, I hope I didn't embarrass you or talk over you or anything. I just felt like we needed to get out of there and never go back. It's not worth our time or energy. We just have to hope they figure it out." He pulls back and smiles at you.

You smile back. "It's okay. You're right. It's not a good place for people like us to be in, right now. I just really -" You sigh wistfully. "I really do hope they get it eventually. Cause that sucked ass." You laugh, tinged with quiet pain, and Roxy chuckles along. "I'm...I'm really glad to have you in my corner, Roxy."

"Aw, June." He smiles warmly at you. "That's het."

You grin, bright and wide and ready to find a better place to go. "Very."

He grins back, hooking his arm around yours, and together you set off to enjoy the rest of the day.


End file.
